Beemer (dr_tectonic) wrote,
Beemer
dr_tectonic

Attention Drug Companies:

You are using up all the good sci-fi names stop it!

Seriously. This is getting out of hand.

I need a good name for a space location. How 'bout, hmm... the Entex Nebula? Wait, no, Entex is my sinus medication.

The spiffy material we use in the warp-drive. Dilithium's taken... nexium? No, that's for heartburn.

A holiday season for the Jovian moons. Celebrex? No, dammit, that's a, what, arthritis medication? I don't even know what it is and I can't use it!

The Zantac should be an alien race, not an antacid! Effexor should be a comedic supervillain or something, not an antidepressant! I should be able to name a group of roving agriculturists the Viagara without implying things about their sex lives!

Hell, we can't even name a mailing list "socialissues" because it has 'cialis' buried in it so it gets caught by spam filters!

ARGH!

Therefore, I hereby declare:

Henceforward, all drugs must have names that sound like chemicals. That means it ends in the phoneme 'n': -ane -ine -on -in -one, whatever. Name your libido med something like "dicardinine". [Think about it.]

The ending -ase is also allowed, but if it's abused we'll restrict it to things that are actually enzymes. "Degluminase" would be a fine name for an antidepressant. You have large marketing departments, I'm sure you can think of others.

Endings like -ic and -ate and -ium are only allowed in two-part names. Blankium somethingate is fine. Plain old valium? Right out.

Also generally okay: -pril, -ol, -mil, and -azide. Strictly forbidden: everything else.

In addition, you are only allowed to call a particular drug by one name! Everyone will use the same set of sounds to refer to the chemical in question. No more making up freaky brand names to confuse seniors into thinking that they need Zocor instead of plain old simvastatin! You can call it "GlaxoSmithKline brand warfarin" if you like, and if that doesn't have enough market appeal, it's your own damn fault for having a ludicrous company name.

Failure to comply will be punished by being forced to listen to Fran Drescher read the contraindications and "possible side-effects may include" small print for your entire product line.

Thank you for your cooperation.
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