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Attention Drug Companies: You are using up all the good sci-fi… - The Mad Schemes of Dr. Tectonic [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Beemer

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[Feb. 8th, 2006|11:46 am]
Beemer
Attention Drug Companies:

You are using up all the good sci-fi names stop it!

Seriously. This is getting out of hand.

I need a good name for a space location. How 'bout, hmm... the Entex Nebula? Wait, no, Entex is my sinus medication.

The spiffy material we use in the warp-drive. Dilithium's taken... nexium? No, that's for heartburn.

A holiday season for the Jovian moons. Celebrex? No, dammit, that's a, what, arthritis medication? I don't even know what it is and I can't use it!

The Zantac should be an alien race, not an antacid! Effexor should be a comedic supervillain or something, not an antidepressant! I should be able to name a group of roving agriculturists the Viagara without implying things about their sex lives!

Hell, we can't even name a mailing list "socialissues" because it has 'cialis' buried in it so it gets caught by spam filters!

ARGH!

Therefore, I hereby declare:

Henceforward, all drugs must have names that sound like chemicals. That means it ends in the phoneme 'n': -ane -ine -on -in -one, whatever. Name your libido med something like "dicardinine". [Think about it.]

The ending -ase is also allowed, but if it's abused we'll restrict it to things that are actually enzymes. "Degluminase" would be a fine name for an antidepressant. You have large marketing departments, I'm sure you can think of others.

Endings like -ic and -ate and -ium are only allowed in two-part names. Blankium somethingate is fine. Plain old valium? Right out.

Also generally okay: -pril, -ol, -mil, and -azide. Strictly forbidden: everything else.

In addition, you are only allowed to call a particular drug by one name! Everyone will use the same set of sounds to refer to the chemical in question. No more making up freaky brand names to confuse seniors into thinking that they need Zocor instead of plain old simvastatin! You can call it "GlaxoSmithKline brand warfarin" if you like, and if that doesn't have enough market appeal, it's your own damn fault for having a ludicrous company name.

Failure to comply will be punished by being forced to listen to Fran Drescher read the contraindications and "possible side-effects may include" small print for your entire product line.

Thank you for your cooperation.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: toosuto
2006-02-08 12:14 pm (UTC)
Dicardinine = awesome

also: best punishment ever. For almost anything.
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From: hapaxeslegomena
2006-02-08 12:33 pm (UTC)
How does a pair of cards and/or a rock-solid dyke help my libido?
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[User Picture]From: dr_tectonic
2006-02-08 12:45 pm (UTC)
By pronouncing it with a short i.
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[User Picture]From: drdeleto
2006-02-08 12:35 pm (UTC)
I want to know what their obsession with Xs and Zs are. Is there some marketing formula that says people trust drugs that start or end with X? Or that they believe a medication with a Z in it is more advanced?

I recommend adding a strict annual limit per manufacturer on Xs and Zs in drug names.
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[User Picture]From: ocschwar
2006-02-08 03:35 pm (UTC)
Lots of boomers recalling their years of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll, trying in vain to use #2 to bring back some of #1. Hence drug names made to appeal to the same esthetic as 60's era DC and Marvel comics.

I expect lots of umlauts in drug names when we get old.
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[User Picture]From: drdeleto
2006-02-09 08:11 am (UTC)
And after that, numbers: Radinol 19, Erection 182...
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[User Picture]From: psyclonic
2006-02-08 09:15 pm (UTC)
Xs and Zs are exotic, thus used in sci-fi, thus futuristic-sounding on top of their exotic sound, thus appealing to consumers because of an implied advancement beyond current medicine into the Medicine Of Tomorrow!.

Let's make one up.

Zyrexium. You want to take it right now, dontcha.
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[User Picture]From: psyclonic
2006-02-09 09:27 am (UTC)
I was channeling Zyprexa and didn't even know it! That's also got a Y...

Maybe I'm on it?

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[User Picture]From: zalena
2006-02-08 09:23 pm (UTC)
Maybe what needs to change are the s/f names. One of the biggest turnoffs for me as a reader are long, unpronouncable (or just plain silly) names. Fantasy is even worse.

Nyah! Invent a drug for that! (Like the reading comprehension drug "Librex.")
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[User Picture]From: dr_tectonic
2006-02-08 11:22 pm (UTC)
Oh, there's an entirely different set of rules for SF writing. (They've been articulated by better writers than me, too.)

Like: "quit with the arbitrary apostrophes!" And: "don't use random letter combinations to represent sounds humans can't make, it just looks dumb."

(Exceptions are made for Lovecraftian pastiches.)

"Pern"? Fine. "Xen'drik"? Lame-ass.
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[User Picture]From: madbodger
2006-02-09 03:49 pm (UTC)
True enough, except when the author can make it an interesting part of the backstory,
like the Berzerkers tale where aliens called Rutchirrah and Scamballah are mentally
referred to by the protagonist as Retch and Scumball.
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[User Picture]From: psyclonic
2006-02-08 09:24 pm (UTC)
Reminds me of a "real" name I heard some healthcare types suggest for Viagra: mycoxaflopin.
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[User Picture]From: bryree
2006-02-08 10:06 pm (UTC)
Well...it has an 'x.'
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[User Picture]From: rg_rothko
2006-02-08 10:45 pm (UTC)
Okay, one stipulation: They must stay away from the name Zanon. You don't want your poor philosophew to get a complex because they named a hemorrhoid cream after him.
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[User Picture]From: flwyd
2006-02-09 08:03 am (UTC)
We just moved into a new Zoloft downtown! You should check it out!
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[User Picture]From: madbodger
2006-02-09 03:47 pm (UTC)
I'm wif you. Especially with the multiple names problem! My mail order prescription service
said they couldn't provide my med in the specified dosage, as it didn't exist. Stupid me, I
gave the brand name, and even though I checked the "generic OK" box, they couldn't
crossreference it. I had to resubmit using the generic name before they'd deign to fill it!
Granted, that's more of a stupid-prescription-service rant than a drug-name rant, but
dammit, I'll conflate 'em if I want to! It's relevant! And it supports your point, and all
your minions would be well advised to support your points in an intelligent fashion when
we're capable!
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