And I did. I started with something vaguely similar, and I modded it to work with properly-formatted data, and I was able to write it in a really general-purpose way, and I believe (still have to test it, but I believe) that I now have something that will handle 35 of the 49 variables that we have to check, with only a trivial amount of tweaking, and with some polish, I could probably even get that to work on the command line. So suddenly, in an afternoon, we're like 70% able to deal with the avalanche of data that's going to come cascading down on us.
Shortly after I finished, my boss came to chat with me and talk and get some situation reports. "Hey," I was able to say, "speaking of all that data checking, behold the progress that has been made!"
Sometimes the universe just aligns.