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Mopey emo poem is mopey and emo [Jan. 5th, 2010|05:53 pm]
Attn Mgmt

I would like to report
some bugs
in the current version
of the universe:

The day is too short
and time runs too fast

The world is too small to hold us
but there's still too much of it

Winter is too cold
entropy too strong
and the stars are too far away

You can't hold hands

It's hard to write good poetry
when happy and content

and sometimes words
are not enough

These issues need to be addressed
as urgently as possible,
but definitely before
the next major release

By Tuesday
would be

[User Picture]From: zalena
2010-01-06 05:11 am (UTC)
Beemer, you know I am a big fan of your poetry. Huzzah! You didn't even have to brutalize November to make it work. Where are you on the countdown?

I think you should shorten it into a haiku, or into a series of haiku in honor of your upcoming trip.

Also, I think it needs a turn around, see the last couplet in Sonnet 29 for the kind of thing I mean:

For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

But far be it from me to change a word of mopey or emo, especially when I've been such a sad sap, myself.
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[User Picture]From: dr_tectonic
2010-01-06 03:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Sarah. Eleven days!

I know what you mean about a turn, and kind of had one in mind while I was composing, but the rest of the poem had too much momentum, so I ended up with just a... a side-step, instead.
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